“We keep waiting for desire to return on its own, as if it’s weather. It isn’t. It’s something you build.” – Ask Nicki
If you’ve ever lain next to someone you love and wondered where the spark went, I want you to hear this first: you are not broken, and neither is your relationship.
We’ve been sold a quiet lie about desire, that it’s supposed to be automatic. That if the passion fades, it must mean something has gone wrong, someone has fallen out of love, or the relationship has run its course. So we wait. We hope the feeling comes back on its own, like weather rolling in.
But desire was never weather. It’s a skill.
Here’s what I’ve learned coaching real couples through real seasons of drought: the couples who reignite things aren’t luckier, younger, or more naturally sexual than everyone else. They’ve simply learned how desire actually works, and stopped waiting for it to arrive uninvited.
For generations, we were taught the mechanics of sex but never the skills to sustain intimacy over the long haul. We learned biology and we learned shame, and almost nothing in between. So when life gets busy (kids, work, exhaustion, the slow drift of two people running in parallel) we have no idea how to find our way back to each other. Not because we don’t want to. Because nobody ever taught us how.
That’s the gap I wrote Sexponential to fill.
It’s built around a formula I call E = MC³: erotic energy comes from Mindfulness, Communication, Creativity and Collaboration. It sounds neat on the page, but what it really means is this: desire is something you cultivate, deliberately, with attention and honesty and a bit of playfulness, the same way you’d tend anything you wanted to keep alive.
This isn’t a clinical textbook or an intimidating manual full of positions and performance pressure. It’s warm, it’s honest, it’s occasionally very funny, and it’s written for the most ordinary couple in the world: not perfect, not wildly adventurous, just two people who love each other and want to feel close again. If intimacy has gone quiet, or desire feels mismatched, or life simply pushed connection to the bottom of the list, this book meets you exactly there.
Because here’s the hopeful part of “desire is a skill”: skills can be learned. At any age. In any relationship. After any length of silence.
The spark isn’t gone. You just haven’t been taught how to build it yet.
Sexponential is available now, a bold, witty, deeply practical guide to understanding your body, your desire and your relationships. Get your copy here.