Intimate questions mayday!

The Village’s Intimate Support Coach, Nicki Lyons Brivik is here, to help us were many of us (and our partners!) need help, urgently.

Got a question? You can shedule a session … start the conversation, maximise your pleasure potential.
1. My husband has had a surgery which causes erectile issues. Our sex life to date has always been about penetration … I love the feeling and find it satisfying. Do you have any advice on how to enjoy intimacy now things are so shockingly changed? I love him and don’t want to hurt his feelings.
Whilst I can understand that this can be a difficult time for both of you, it can also be the perfect opportunity to intentionally seek out more ways to enjoy your own body, your partners body , and ultimately enjoy long term, mind blowing sex. The focus on penetrative sex can be so limiting especially when most of the nerves needed for female orgasm are on the outside of our genitals. Talk openly to your partner and share with him your willingness to sexplore together. Use your mouths, hands and toys to open up new pleasure pathways and enjoy the journey.�‌
2. I am menopausal and have “dried up” significantly, down there. My partner feels this signifies a lack of desire and finds using lube “unnatural” How can I best incorporate it into our lovemaking?
This is a common phenomenon, particularly with women, and is called arousal non concordance. In other words, it is common for ones bodies response to arousal ( your physical arousal ) to not be in synch with your own subjective mental engagement in the process (psychological arousal). Explain to him that he cannot rely on your wetness as an indicator of desire but must rather listen to what you say is turning you on! Lube can really alleviate this problem and in fact can really improve the quality of a lot of women’s sexual experience in any situation even when there isn’t a problem. In addition , focussing on the clitoris can really help.�‌
3. I would like to experiment with a sex toy but am overwhelmed by the choice and variety on offer – and they are pricey. Can you suggest a checklist of functions to look out for so I can buy a winner?
Sex toys are so much fun and can really increase the quality of a sexual experience because they add more sensations and more vibrations and I say more is more! If you do not have a sex toy I suggest starting with a small bullet vibrator for your clitoris. Make sure it has a soft silicone exterior and has various speeds and patterns of vibrations so that you explore with all the different sensations these can afford you.
4. I am ashamed by the appearance of my vagina. This has always been embarrassing for me and has stopped me ever enjoying sex. Have you any suggestions of what I can do?
Whilst there are surgical procedures you can undergo to change the appearance of ones vulva, one must remember that all vulvas look different and no one vulva is better than the next. Rather banish this unnecessary focus on how you think your vulva should look and instead focus on all the pleasure you can derive from it. Remember that the clitoris is the only body part that is there purely for pleasure and it has thousands of nerve endings so focus on exploring all those !
5. Is there more to sex than I experience? Watching movies, reading books, it seems I am missing a trick. I don’t NOT enjoy sex, but to be honest, it’s just a bit “meh“ for me and always has been. Do other people genuinely experience all that drama and euphoria? Do some people just get more sensory pleasure than others? Is there anything I can / should be doing to put some fireworks into my experience?
We all have our own unique sexual roadmap which we need to learn to traverse in order to achieve our very own pleasure potential. Our brain is our biggest sexual organ so use it to figure out what really does it for you. Use your fantasies to tap into your imagination and take the time to work out what it is that really gets you going. Could it be tuning into your senses? Focussing rather on the anticipation, the yearning the wanting? How about kink? Playing with power differentials or mixing pleasure and pain can be extremely pleasurable and highly erotic which is why the book Fifty Shades of Grey was such a hit. The world is your sexual oyster so just take the time to explore what that means to you.